Welcome to the Archives of The SHAFT. Here you will find writings by some of The SHAFT's greatest prophets,
oracles, and toadies. The collected sermons, scriptures, and holy spoutings are presented here with no
particular order...enjoy and be enlightened.
You have a dlearn?!?!?
I had a roommate once that had one and boy! was it cool! Except his kinda got
infected after a couple of months and the doctors couldn't figure out what to
do with the thing, see? So he tried a bunch of stuff, you know, like
witchdoctors, engineers, couple NASCAR drivers, and even an ant or two, but
cha' know, nothing worked. So he kept walking around with this sick dlearn on
his arm, and people started to get REPULSED by this thing. I mean it was nasty
looking. So he started going to bars with it, and he'd get into fights, and
he'd always win cause the dlearn would start drooling at the sight of blood,
and he'd drool on his opponents and they'd be all grossed out and leave. So my
roommate, like, he tried to get a job and well no one would employ him cause
he had this big sick drooling dlearn on him. And after a while, the dlearn
just wouldn't come off. Finally, he got desparate. I'm talking
eyes-of-a-pirate-in-the-Caribbean kinda desparate. So he went to Guatemala to
visit a faith healer, a world famous shamen kinda guy. So there he is in the
waiting room with all these shrunken heads and bones, and the faith healer
comes out in the neon green polyester suit, real used car dealer look on 'em.
And the faith healer goes, "Damn! That's one sick dlearn!" Now, I can't tell
you what went on inside the examining room. My roommate is still to broke up
about it. I mean psycho-trauma here folks. Won't eat a hamburger to this day.
So what happened to the dlearn you ask?
Well, I'm glad you asked. Well, the dlearn got removed. But, you see, the
thing kept growing and it lost most of its hair. It won a talent show at age 7
or so, and gained national attention. So, couple years later, our beloved
dlearn marries a sports newscaster, and has a couple kids, you know, real
suburbia type crap. And the dlearn's all pissed off cause dlearns are natural
talkers and this dlearn didn't think enough people were listening, so it took
a tv station hostage until they granted it it's own talk show with a contract
for the next 3 millenia. And so you can see Kathy Lee Gifford every morning...
Back to the top.
Thart explains The SHAFT to Crazyman
Crazyman blurbed:
>What, did everyone get Shafted the first day or something? C'mon
>guys(and ladies), talk....
You get SHAFTed every day of your life. It's THAT simple. Which is why our
Cult is so great. Learning this bit of wisdom now will save you hours of grief
when you leave the confines of The SHAFT and enter its much larger realm, the
real world.
From the pop quiz, to the lines of commuter cars that won't let you cross the
street so you're late to class, to the pasta you spill all over your white
shirt (more applicable to some than others :), or to the little conspiracies
that somehow manage to never let your alarm go off,
The SHAFT is everywhere, The SHAFT is everything, The SHAFT is still the KING!
Back to the top.
Who's in the CoTS, part 1
BRAK Attack!!!! blurbed:
>Charles Rozier wrote:
>: but I can get nothing to enlighten me as to the forces of the Shaft.
>Reread the 'Court is now in session!' thread for more info on forces ;)
Hmm, what do you want to know?
We have a High Council... comprised of:
A High Priest... lazy guy. (I mean he plays goalie fer crying out loud!)
Basically, he drinks... alot. Then , The SHAFT starts speaking to him.
Well, SOMETHING starts speaking to him. :)
A GRAND HIGH INQUISITOR... me, the best guy for the coolest job on Earth!
I keep things running. (You know that guy who's always behind the guy who does
everything? That's me :) I also punish the less enlightened and the followers
who stray from the flock.
An Inquisitional Audit... a sexy little number who watches over me and my
doings. This is neccesary cause I'm prone to stupid stuff and ideas, so
somebody has to straighten me out.
An Oracle of Destruction... basically she rants. And beats people, which is
really my job, but we've never really divided up the turf. (Although, rumor
has it, she's secretly usurping my influence over The High Priest, look fo
developments on this on gts)
An All-Knowledgeable Apropos Alchemist... He remembers things so we don't have
to, and stores knowledge for later use. AND he makes mean coffee. A must have
for any cult. We could not be with out him. :)
Then, we have ZoTS or Zealots of The SHAFT.
I dunno what they do really. I only keep 'em in line. Basically, they run
around praising The SHAFT when they are not playing hockey or wandering
around The SHAFT late at night. Oh and I think they have classes too, but I
don't think we've actually caught 'em in one.
Then, we have the KNoTs or Knights of The SHAFT.
They're supposed to help me do stuff, but really I leave 'em alone. CS majors
need a certain degree of slack to work efficiently, so I'm sure they're doing
SOMETHING constructive around here.
Then, we have the SNoTS or Antimembers
You do not want to be in this group. They are heretics who live outside of The
SHAFT's realm. They will not subvert to conversion although many have tried.
Some have retaliated with ants even! A fiesty bunch, they are.
What else, what else...
Uhh that's enough for the first lesson...
Try http://porthos.gt.ed.net/shaft/index.html for more details. I know it
works so don't give me crap!
Back to the top.
Who's in the CoTS, part 2
The SHAFT, speaking through Charles Rozier, said:
>and I have also discovered the
>subtle plot beginning to unfold beneath the slacking eyes of the HPoTS.
You have discovered nothing. There is no subtle plot. The CoTS is
not run by ANAK. (Here we go again)
>Curious, though, some of the members I do not seem to find anywhere
>around(that is, in these ngs.) Is this the result of the shifting of
>the Earth around the Sun, or is this something more sinister?
Well, owing to the fact that the Cult of The SHAFT is now spreading to
other schools and alternate dimensions, it would be quite hard for you
to meet everybody. Besides, the rest of the High Council won't let me
out of my room any more because they say someone might take a shot at
the High Priest. But I don't mind being shot at since I'm so damn
good at stopping shots.
>It seems that there is more on the horizon than anybody has originally
>planned...
So it should... The plans of The SHAFT loom high on the horizon and
fall hard on the uninitiated.
-R [High Priest of The SHAFT:LPTS]
Back to the top.
Who's in the CoTS, part 3: The GHIoTS puts his foot in his mouth
Lunchbox blurbed:
>Besides, the rest of the High Council won't let me
>out of my room any more because they say someone might take a shot at
>the High Priest.
*whisper* Actually, it's for the same reason Andy and Barney kept Otis in jail...
>But I don't mind being shot at since I'm so damn
>good at stopping shots.
Me: "(under breath) That's cause he's such a fat ass..."
High Priest: "What did you say?!?!"
Me: " I said the Stars play in Dallas."
High Priest: "Oh, they certainly do."
>So it should... The plans of The SHAFT loom high on the horizon and
>fall hard on the uninitiated.
Fall hard huh? Just like you after a drinking binge, sir? Did you remember to
take your keys out of your pocket this time, sir?
-George [Ooo Boy, I'm in trouble now...]
Back to the top.
Who's in the CoTS, part 4: GHIoTS feels The SHAFT
The SHAFT, speaking through Thart, said:
>Lunchbox blurbed:
>>Besides, the rest of the High Council won't let me
>>out of my room any more because they say someone might take a shot at
>>the High Priest.
>
>*whisper* Actually, it's for the same reason Andy and Barney kept Otis in
>jail...
YOU INSUBORDINATE LITTLE FART! I SHALL NOW CALL DOWN THE FULL WRATH
OF THE SHAFT UPON YOUR SORRY, BALDING, HEAD! YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD GRAY
HAIRS BEFORE...
>>So it should... The plans of The SHAFT loom high on the horizon and
>>fall hard on the uninitiated.
>
>Fall hard huh? Just like you after a drinking binge, sir? Did you remember to
>take your keys out of your pocket this time, sir?
That was uncalled for.
>-George [Ooo Boy, I'm in trouble now...]
You don't know the half of it. As of this moment, the entire
Inquisition is on double secret probation. I hereby suspend the
powers of the Grand High Inquisitor. The Oracle of Destruction will
handle all beatings until further notice. Any inquisitionary
activities will be carried out by the KNoTS, under the guidance of the
Priestess of the Inquisitional Audit until such time as the competency
of the GHIoTS can be verified.
-R
High Priest puttin' da smack down on yo ass, biotch
Back to the top.
No New Beginnings
Ladies and gentlemen,
Faithful ZoTS and KnoTS,
Heathens and SNoTS,
Nothing has changed. The High Priest is in control. Watch more
television. Watch American Gladiators. Oswald acted alone. The High
Priest is in control. Watch Oprah. ANAK does not control the Cult of
The SHAFT. The High Priest is in control.
Needless to say, I was quite surprised when I came home and noticed
that my newsreader had been downloading and reading articles while I
was away. I was even more surprised when I fired up Nutscrape to
check the hockey scores and it opened right up to
http://tappman.gt.ed.net/shafted.htm, a nifty little page. I sat in
wonder and read Thart's declaration of war and general treatise of
revolution. Then I laughed. I laughed long and hard. And I stumbled
out into the living room of the Academy of Evil and I said: "You did
all that for ME? I'm truly honored. You can be the Grand High
Inquisitor again." And apparently that calmed him down enough to drop
all plans of a major revolution. Thus, by my own generosity and good
sense of humor, a great schism in the CoTS was narrowly avoided. So
let's all welcome back our Grand High Inquisitor with a nice round of
applause. Now let the Grand High Inquisitor round up all those who
didn't applaud and flog them mercilessly with Thompson's monkey. It's
nice to know that you all care enough about The SHAFT to keep the
revolution quiet, but now that it's over and the old regime has been
restored, it will be the job of the one who started the revolution to
root out all those who followed him and punish them severely.
At this point, I feel I should mention that Thart cannot be blamed for
starting a revolution. At the time, he was under the influence of an
alien entity *cough*booze*cough* and couldn't think for himself. His
rantings on tappman.gt.ed.net/shafted.htm will be considered a Holy
Cult Document and should be studied accordingly. Besides which, while
he was under the influence of The ANTIshaft, he had some pretty nifty
revelations about one of the Prophet George P. Burdell's successors:
The Prophet Clyde. In fact, I expect Thart to reveal the Gospel of
Clyde in the very near future. And if he doesn't, he might lose his
title *again*. That is all.
-R [HPoTS]
Back to the top.
Eat Up, Fellas...
And, now, lest the masses get restless...
I had a dynamics quiz yesterday morning that did not look like Greek.
It looked like Spanish; in other words, I could read it and know sort of
what it was supposed to mean in some parts, and get a general gist, but
no specifics and no clarity.
My optics and diffeq quizzes are on Thursday.
The Chorale needs a definitive membership list, and that is nigh
impossible because we don't have a list of the class members, and
there's almost no way to keep track of the club members.
The Chorale also needs a directory, which invokes the same problems.
I am tired today. I am freaking out (just slightly); and I have a lot
of decisions to make and things to do.
So, without further ado...
I'M SICK OF THIS!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!! I WANT OUT!! I WANNA
GO TO WALLA-WALLA AND EAT FIGS AND TAKE MY MIND OFF OF THINGS FOR A
WHILE!! I DON'T CARE IF THEY DON'T HAVE FIGS THERE!! I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN REALITY RIGHT NOW, YOU GRUBBY LITTLE CRETIN!! I WANT A
NEW DESK CALENDAR, SO I CAN SIT AND FLIP PAGES WHEN I GET BORED!! I
WANT A SHOE-HORN; THE KIND WITH *T*E*E*T*H*!! BECAUSE I FREAKIN' KNOW
THERE'S NO SUCH THING!!!!
YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, DIE, DIE, DY, DY, DY---N-A-M-I-X!! YOU ARE
ALL GOING TO BE SWUNG BY YOUR BACKTEETH BY FRICTIONLESS PULLEYS, AND
STRANGLED AND HUNG UP WITH MASSLESS CORDS!! PI-R-SQUARED ALL OVER YOUR
MISERABLE BUTTS!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! *DO* *YOU* *SEE*?!?! *DO* *YOU*
*SEE*?!?! THE SPIRIT OF THE SHAFT WILL DESCEND UPON ALL OF YOU AND GIVE
YOU HUGE, BLOODY, DISGUSTING HANGNAILS!! THE SHAFTS MINIONS WILL COME
WITH LOTS OF CHIVES AND SOUR CREAM AND FRY YOU TO DEATH IN GRASSHOPPER
GUTS!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY GRASSHOPPERS WE WOULD HAVE TO
EMPTY IN ORDER TO DO THAT?!?! THAT'S HOW SERIOUS THIS IS!!!! THE SHAFT
WILL INSERT MONKEYS INTO YOUR PSYCHE, YOU TANTRIC DORKS!!!! IT WILL
COMMIT INTERSTELLAR PERVERSIONS!! WHY?!?! BECAUSE IT CAN!! YOU GO TO
HELL!! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!! BECAUSE I'M MR. HAT, AND YOU'RE
JUST A LITTLE TURD!! I LOVE YOU ALL!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT!!
BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT KIT-KAT BAR!! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE
ME?!?! LOOK AT MY HAND!! FRUIT YOU!!!!
THERE ARE MAD GERBILS IN MY BRAIN, AND I WANT TO SPILL THEM ALL OVER THE
NEWSGROUP!! WELL I WILL, WELL I WILL!! YOU WILL ALL BE TORTURED TO
DIPSTICKINESS!! YOU WILL ALL BE GIVEN BUZZ CUTS AND OBNOXIOUS RED
SNEAKERS TO WEAR!! AND IF YOU DON'T WEAR THEM, WE'LL COVER YOU IN
CHOCOLATE SYRUP AND GIVE YOU TO THE THOMPSONITES!! YOU GOT THAT?!?!
YOU WILL ALL BE LATHERED UP AND STUCK TO A GLASS WINDOW!! YOU WILL ALL
BE CREAMED IN A BLENDER AND POURED OVER THE DATA!! YOU WILL ALL HAVE
YOUR GUTS REARRANGED INTO FAR MORE AESTHETICALLY PLEASING CONFIGURATIONS
BY ART STUDENTS!! AND YOU WILL HAVE CHUNKS RIPPED OUT OF YOUR HIPS, TO
BE FED TO THE GREEN WEASELS!! YOU REMEMBER THE GREEN WEASELS, DON'T
YOU?!?! YOU WILL ALL BE SQUASHED BENEATH MEDIUM-SIZED WALRUSES!! DON'T
ASK ME WHERE I'LL GET THE WALRUSES, I KNOW A PLACE!! GET THESE RAINBOWS
OFF MY LEGS!! YOU WILL ALL PAY HOMAGE TO SHAFTSEY, OR HE'LL DESCEND IN
ALL SPIKINESS AND YOU WILL BE EATING THAT HP CALCULATOR, BUDDY!!!! YOU
WILL ALL BE LOOPY, WOOPY, WOOGY, WOOZY, AND WIRED!! YOU WILL ALL HAVE
8AM CLASSES FOR THE REST OF YOUR ACADEMIC CAREER!! YOU WILL ALL HAVE
VERY NASTY USED HAIRBRUSHES SHOVED INTO YOUR EARS!! YOU WILL ALL BE
SPRAYED WITH LARD AND SNACKED UPON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*pant pant pant pant pant*
YOU WILL... YOU'LL... YOU'LL BE... JUMPED ON BY PEOPLE WHO LIKE JUMPING
ON PEOPLE!! YOU'LL... UM... YOU'LL BE GIVEN REFRIDGERATOR MAGNETS FOR
CHRISTMAS!!!!
*pant pant pant*
*whipes foam off mouth*
Otay, I better... *tee-hee* that tickles... sleep is good, food is good,
diffeq in the garbage is good... mmmm, coconut...
*sniff*
*whimper*
de-whooooooieeeeee...
Zzzzzzippples...
Back to the top.
The Gospel of Clyde
First, it's good to be back folks!
but now for more sinister dealings...
It has come time to expose the one of the greatest secrets of The SHAFT.
One of the original prophets, Clyde Robbins permanently left his mark upon our
campus. But what has been hidden, is his secret work for The SHAFT.
Yes, Clyde was one of the first to follow The SHAFT's ways and teachings.
Through his work, The SHAFT increased its hold over Georgia Tech and paved way
for the incarnation of The SHAFT by the Stoopid Center.
When The SHAFT first made its presence felt way back when, The SHAFT needed to
keep its presence hidden from the students. The SHAFT cleverly hide itself in
Tech Tower. Quickly, it made its presence known by striking out at thousands
of students. This presented a problem because The SHAFT did not understand
subtlety and the body count of SHAFT victims raised to an enormous high.
Reeling from its error, The SHAFT quickly subverted the mind one, Clyde
Robbins. The SHAFT instructed Clyde to build humps in the roads throughout
campus and to hide the bodies of its victims underneath them, so that the
unsuspecting students would not discover its presence.
The Clyde bumps are The SHAFT's tombs!
Over time, The SHAFT became adept at hiding its presence, and exposing itself
little by little so the students would gradually accept it over time. Some
students stood out amongst the others, those that had discovered The SHAFT
and became determined to end its existence on campus. Through bitter fights,
The SHAFT vanquished these rebellious students and grew stronger after each
battle. But, seeing how The SHAFT admires a good fight and likes to
celebrate its victory, The SHAFT had Clyde bury each student in a special
grave.
The Clyde walks are the cleverly disguised graves of The SHAFT's greatest
conquests!
The Clyde walks also serve another purpose. Remember I said after each battle,
The SHAFT grew stronger? Well, The SHAFT had the graves arranged to spiral in
towards the Stoopid Center, so that finally in 1996, when The SHAFT grew
strong enough and the students began to worship it outright, it moved down
from Tech Tower and manifested itself in the Campanile.
Now, that we have explained how The SHAFT slowly took over Georgia Tech, we
need to explain its continuing growth. The SHAFT is normally felt in small
doses (now that The SHAFT has masteres the art of subtleness) and these small
daily SHAFTs are represented by.... the Clyde chains.
Even long before the final manifestation of The SHAFT, these mini-shafts
started to grow. The posts are small SHAFT's that grow and rise out of the
ground. Each one representing a different way of shaft. The chains are the
physical representation of how all shafts are bound together and that
together, they form The Almighty SHAFT.
So when you run into a Clyde chain, you are not caught by The SHAFT, you are
actually caught by two little shafts. And this determines which shafts will
visit you in the next week.
See how it all binds together?
And that is The Gospel of Clyde.
Now, go and preach to the masses so that they might understand.
Back to the top.
Doctrine of The SHAFT
I was having a nice discussion today with the Grand High Inquisitor of
The SHAFT and the Priestess of the Inquisitional Audit and we stumbled
upon the fact that many of you ZoTS and KnoTS don't completely
comprehend the belief system of your Cult. In order to make following
The SHAFT (not to mention the Inquisition's job of destroying heretics
and SNoTS) easier, I've decided to explain some of the Basic Truths of
The SHAFT [BasToTs].
Truth #1:
The SHAFT is everywhere. You cannot escape its wrath. It doesn't
matter how safe you think you are or how well constructed your
defenses are. The SHAFT will find you and The SHAFT will make you
believe, monkey-boy.
Truth #2:
The Earth is flat. Not only is the Earth flat, it has a pentagonal
shape. At the edges of the Earth is a giant wall of ice which no man
may ever hope to pass. At the center of the pentagon, the so-called
sixth corner, stands The SHAFT, about which the Earth spins.
Truth #3:
There is no gravity. We are held to the Earth by the
pseudo-magnetic force generated by the presence of the People on the
Other Side of The SHAFT [PotOSoTS]. They live on the bottom side of
the Earth and worship a very deep, narrow hole in the ground. They
exist to balance out our presence on this side of the Earth and to
keep it from flying off and spearing the sun on The SHAFT.
Truth #4:
The High Priest is always right. I don't think an explanation is
necessary here. If you think differently, take it up with the
Inquisition.
Truth #5:
Dogbert is the Anti-SHAFT. Yes, while we members of the Cult of The
SHAFT are incredibly intelligent and attractive, much like the members
of Dogbert's New Ruling[sic] Class, we must set aside our similarities
and destroy them. You may ask how I know that Dogbert is the
Anti-SHAFT. Well, if you'll just take the time to look, you'll notice
that The SHAFT is very tall and pointy. Dogbert, on the other hand,
is very short and round. And let's not forget that Dogbert has never
mentioned The SHAFT in all his plans for world domination. If you're
a member of Dogbert's New dRuling Class, you must quit or face the
Inquisition and possible expulsion from the CoTS.
Truth #6:
The Cult of The SHAFT is a high-pressure organization. We prey on
the weak. We tell you what to believe. We crush those who question
our authority. We use high-pressure recruiting tactics and actively
encourage all of our members to go out and recruit more suckers.
Truth #7:
Some members of the CoTS are just naturally superior to the rest of
you average folks. If you have to ask whether you're just an average
ZoTS or an UberZoTS, you probably don't even belong in the CoTS you
whiney little maggot. Some of the UberZoTS you should respect,
revere, and give money to are: BRAK, our Minister of Propoganda;
Thompson, because she's just that cool; and Forinbash, the Megalithic
Tree of Regimentation and leader of the KnoTS.
Truth #8:
The world will end on July 5th, 1998. While the entire world is
hung over from massive 4th of July celebrations, the aliens from the
Planet X {Xists} will show up and zap the Earth with their death rays.
Those of us who know how to properly worship The SHAFT will be taken
away on the Xist's pleasure ships while the rest of you sorry Pink
Boys burn and writhe in agony. And don't think the SHAFTing will end
just because you're dead. Noooo....you've got an eternity of
wandering around the now-barren Earth with a can of Vaseline in your
hand and BOHICA tattooed across your forehead, just hoping that next
time you get The SHAFT it doesn't laugh at you and paint your ears
blue like it did the last 9,999,998 times.
Truth #9:
The High Priest is always right. I think I might have mentioned
this one already, but it's the most important one.
Truth #10:
ANAK, translated into German, and then into highschool French,
reversed, and spoken quickly with a slight southern accent, is
actually SHAFT. This is not a conspiracy. The High Priest is in
control, and I've got the Inquisition to prove it.
-R [Put that in your pipe and smoke it]
Back to the top.
Common Blahs -- RAND
From: oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org (Zzzzzzippp...)
Newsgroups: git.talk.social
Subject: Re: common blahs -- RANT
Date: 4 Jun 1998 16:09:48 GMT
Star (starlet@havoc.gtf.gatech.edu) blatt:
>Zzzzzzippp... (oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org) wrote:
>>
>> *loftily* I'll have you know that I have PLENTY of ESPECIALLY
SIGNIFICANT
>> blahness planned for this week and next.
>
>Really, like what?
Like two quizzes, an essay, a big test, a final Friday, and two finals
Monday... and working on Friday night.
>> Who do you think we are? Peasantry or somepin'?
>
>Well, yes, actually. ;P
*pause*
*slowly lifts one eyebrow*
Ex-CUUUUUUSE me?
*slow crack of knuckles, followed by a low growl*
YOU ARE GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!!!
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Xena war cry*
PEASANTRY, ARE WE?!?! FOOLS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, EH?!?! PREPARE TO BE
RANTED UPON, PEON!! I DID NOT SLAVE AND STRIVE AND WORK AND RANT AND
SQUEEZE THE CREATIVE JUICES FROM MY FINGERS FOR THE PAST YEAR TO ACHEIVE
ONE OF THE HIGHEST POSTS IN THE CULT TO BE CALLED A PEASANT BY THE LIKES
OF YOU, OH DISPLAC-ED ONE!! FIE UPON YOU!! FIE!!!!
YOUR EYES WILL BE RIPPED OUT BY PURPLE BATS!! YOU WILL BE CHARGRILLED
IN
A MOST DESPICABLE MANNER!! YOUR SKIN WILL BE LICKED OFF BY THE TONGUES OF
TIGERS!! MUAHH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!! LEND ME YOUR EARS, AND I'LL MAKE THEM INTO
PARTY FAVORS!!!!
YOU WILL BE DOUSED IN FOOT JUICE, AND SLATHERED IN TOE JAM!! I WILL LASSO
PORCUPINES WITH YOUR UPPER INTESTINES, AND THEN SWING THEM AROUND MY HEAD
LAUGHING LIKE THIS, "HAAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!" I WILL HAVE YOU PUMPED FULL
OF TESTOSTERONE SO THAT YOU CAN GROW HAIR IN INTERESTING PLACES!! DO YOU
HEAR ME?!?! I AM NOT SAYING THIS FOR MY OWN HEALTH!! I AM NOT JUST
TALKING TO THE WALLS!! *I* *AM* *THE* *ORACLE* *OF* *DESTRUCTION*!!!!!
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! GLARG!!! WARG!!!!! I'M
TALKING HERE!!!!
KILLER MICE WILL COME AND NIBBLE ON YOUR GREAT AUNT!! GUMDROPS WILL
SPROUT FROM YOUR EYEBROWS!! NOT THE YUMMY RED KIND, THE NASTY MINTY GREEN
ONES!! YOUR HAIR WILL BE TURNED INTO SILVER, AND I WILL SIC THE KIWI UPON
YOU!! KIWI JUICE!! KIWI JUICE!! CELEBRATE THE ARTS!! CELEBRATE THE
ARTS!! WATER!! WATER!!!!!!!
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, FLIRTY FINGERS?!?! *DO* *YOU* *SEE*?!?! *DO*
*YOU* *SEE*?!?! SEA TO SHINING SEA!! AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
GIVE ZOTS AN INCH, AND THEY TAKE A FREAKING MILE!! NEVER AGAIN WILL THIS
KIND OF INSURRECTION BE TOLERATED!! HEADS WILL NOW PROCEED TO ROLL!!
UPHILL, EVEN, IF I SAY THAT'S HOW IT'S GOT TO BE!! MY BRAIN ROLLED UPHILL
ONCE!! DAAAAAAAAAAH!! THE GREEN WEASELS ARE COMING!! THE GREEN WEASELS
ARE COMING!! SPACEGHOST, I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!!
YOUR LIPS WILL BE SUCKED OFF BY LITTLE AMPHIBIOUS VACUUM ATTACHMENTS!!
YOUR SKIN WILL BE PAPERED WITH CANDY WRAPPERS, AND YOU WILL CRINKLE UNTIL
*DOOMSDAY*, PEON!! YOU LECHEROUS LITTLE SHRED OF SKIN!! BLEEEASRHGGG!!
GLOOOBLOBB!! I WILL SCRUNCHY YOU TO DEATH!! CRAZED FRAT BOYS WILL COME
CHARGING THROUGH YOUR WALLS, DRAMATICALLY DECREASING THE RESALE VALUE OF
YOUR HOUSE!! YOU WILL BE SPELL-CHECKED AND JUSTIFIED... WITH A PAIR OF
RED-HOT TWEEZERS!! YOUR ARMPITS WILL BE FROZEN AND BROKEN OFF!!!!
I HAVE SEEN YOUR FUTURE, AND IT IS SPELLED S-H-A-F-T!!!!! WHAT DOES THAT
SPELL?!?! HELL IF WE KNOW!!!!!
I WILL DESTROOOOY YOOOOOOU, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG... WAIT A MINUTE, I LIKE
HIS DOG!! FRANCINE'S A GOOD PUPPY!! DEATH, DESTRUCTION, CHAOS, AND BAD
CHEESE!! YOU WILL EAT THE SCUMMY RIND OFF OF A DOG, PEON!! IT'S REALLY
NOT SO BAD WITH SOME MUSTARD!! THE COLOR OF THE PEN, THAT I HOLD IN MY
HAND, IS RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROYAL BLUE!!!!! YOU AIN'T BEEN
BLUE, TILL YOU'VE HAD THAT MOOD, INDIGO!!!! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN
BEHIND THE CURTAIN!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! WHAT'S A
PIRATE'S FAVORITE LETTER?!?!?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I'M TOO TIRED FOR THIS, DAMMIT!! FINALS ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER!! I
NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE MY FINALS SOME TENDER LOVIN' DOWN BY THE FIRE!!!!
SOMEBODY *OTHER* THAN MYSELF, THAT IS!!
*deep breath*
*prepare for UBERrant*
YOU ARE NOW CURS-ED!!!!! DALMATIONS WILL DANGLE FROM YOUR DRESSES, AND
MARINE MAMMALS WILL MORPH INTO YOUR MOUTH!! THE FLAMES OF HELL WILL COME
AND BLOCK YOUR VIEW OF THE TELEVISION!! LITTLE APE MEN WILL COME AND SLAP
YOUR CHEEKS WITH THE SKINS OF DEAD FISH!!! YOU WILL BE SHOT DEAD LIKE A
PRAIRIE DOG IN YOUR HOLE!! HERE, DOGGIE DOGGIE!! YOU WILL BE BOILED AND
DEBONED AND SERVED WITH RICE!! YOU WILL BE SENT TO JUPITER!! YOU WILL BE
VICIOUSLY STAMPED UPON AND SENT TO ABU DHABI!! YOU WILL BE TOSSED INTO
THE DRYER TO "FLUFF" FOR A FEW YEARS!! YOU WILL BE COVERED IN TORTILLAS!!
YOU WILL BE BATHED IN CURDS!! AND ARABS, TOO!! YOUR JAW WILL BE RIPPED
OFF AND THROWN AT THE WALL!!!! YOU WILL COME BACK TO TECH AND FAIL *ALL*
OF YOUR CLASSES TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!!! YOU WILL BE TIED DOWN AND *NOT*
*BEATEN* *AT* *ALL*!!!!!
*pant pant pant*
AND STUFF!!!!
OR SOMETHING!!!!
*T*H*I*N*G*E*Y*!!!!!!!
*pause*
YOU WILL BE FUMIGATED IN A LOOPING GAUSSIAN PLUME ALL OVER THE LOWER HALF
OF LA UNTIL YOU POLLUTE THE AIR OF THE SURROUNDING AREAS AND START GIVING
PEOPLE LUNG CANCER AND THEN THE EPA WILL HAVE TO REGULATE YOUR ASS!!!!
TAKE THAT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR CAKE HOLE, YOU LOUSY LITTLE VIRUS!!!!!!!
*pant pant*
I WANNA WINNEBAGO!!! I WANT TO PASS THIS DANG ENVE CLASS!!! *I* *WANT*
*SOME* *FREAKING* *RESPECT*!!!! THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE HERE, PEOPLE!!!
*pant pant pant*
*whimper*
*whine*
*snif snif*
Back to the top.
First Letter of Lunchbox to
the Faithful
I
(1)Yea, truly I say greetings and blessings to you, my brothers and
sisters in The SHAFT. (2)For long have I wandered in the wilderness and
thirsty am I for that good stuff Thart mixes. You know the stuff, that
wonderful green elixer. (3)But I digress. (4)In my wanderings I have seen
that The SHAFT is present not only in your region, but all across the face
of the Earth and even unto the deepest waters of the oceans and seas. And
it frightens me greatly. (5)And I say unto you, inserting chapter and
verse marks into a letter is a tiring and tedious task, (6)I wouldn't
reccommend it. (7)For great is the strain on the fingers of he who writes
the epistle. And great is the breath of he who spouts the truth. (8)And
yea, though I make no sense, I continue to spout.
II
(1)For in the frozen wastes of the North, I have seen The SHAFT moving
amongst the students. And I have seen IT's influence on the faces of the
profs. (2)But fear not, for IT shall never depart from your hearts and
minds, no matter how far you may roam from the academic ways. Or rather,
fear greatly, for IT shall never depart from your hearts and minds, no
matter how far you run. (3)Truly I say unto you, you are blessed in your
misery, for it abounds greatly. (4)This damn connection is too slow.
(5)Fuck it. (6)I'll do it later.
-Lunchbox
Back to the top.
Special Powers of the Female ZoT
- Getting REALLY, REALLY ticked off and expressing it well
- Clobbering a fellow hockey player -- the hard way ("BOOB CHECK!!")
- Acquiring various minions and/or bitchslaves (YMMV)
- Getting REALLY, REALLY hyper and expressing it well
- Helping the various injured
- Flirting with the various flirtable, WITHOUT making a fool of yourself
- Getting REALLY, REALLY drunk and expressing it well
- Dancing to Love Rollercoaster
Back to the top.
The OOD unleashes her fury on Pittha and Mitth
From: oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org (Zzzzzzippp...)
Newsgroups: git.talk.social
Subject: Re: just a girlRAAAAANT!!!!
Date: 13 Oct 1998 17:53:03 GMT
Miotch! blatt:
>
>Mitch(but it's done wonders for my and Pitha's relationthip...)
THAT'S IT!! THAT'S FREAKING IT!! NO MORE, I TELL YA, NO MORE!!
I'VE ONLY GOT TWO NERVES LEFT IN MY BRAIN, AND YOU'RE SQUEEZING THE BETTER
ONE!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND MASH YOUR BRAIN INTO PASTE!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! BLATT!! BLATT!!
I CALL UPON THE POWER OF THE SHAFT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE AND YOUR
CHICK INCONTINENT!! A BUNCH OF TOUGH GUYS IN CARPET CLEANING UNIFORMS
WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND TIE YOUR LEGS INTO PRETZELS!! YOU WILL BE
BASTED WITH REALLY CHEAP TEQUILA AND TUNA SAUCE OVER A NEUTRON STAR!! I'M
GOING TO YANK YOUR SINUSES OUT OF YOUR EYE SOCKETS!! SO HELP ME, I WILL
SCREW YOUR NOSE INTO A LIGHT FIXTURE AND SHOVE CIELING FAN BLADES INTO
YOUR BUTT!!!! I'M GONNA TURN YOUR LIVER INTO A PATE!!!!!!
And as for YOU, Mr. Lisping Traipsing Little Pitha...
I'M ABOUT THIS CLOSE TO YANKING OUT THAT PRETTY YELLOW HAIR AND RAMMING IT
UP YOUR 8-HOLE!! MAY THE SHAFT POUNCE UPON YOUR AUNT!! MAY YOUR LISPING
LIPS BE SHOVED INTO A DOCUMENT SHREDDER AND YOUR TONGUE GLUED TO THE
TITANIC!! YOU WILL FALL INTO VATS OF BEAR SNOT, HEATHEN!! YOU WILL BE
SPONTANEOUSLY HIT FROM ABOVE BY BILLIONS OF TONS OF SUSHI!! *YOU* *ARE*
*GOING* *TO* *DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE*!!!!!!!!
BOTH OF YOU WILL!!!!
I AM SEVERELY SLEEP DEPRIVED!! I HAVE TOO MANY CLASSES THIS QUARTER, AND
I'M STARTING TO GET STRESSED OVER IT!! THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE
NIGHT!! LIFE SUCKETH GREATLY, AND IT'S FREAKIN' HARD TO GET TO A COMPUTER
IN THE RICH CLUSTER, AND NEW BRAS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE, AND THE BANK IS
CLOSED EVERY OTHER FREAKING DAY, AND I JUST WANT A SPICE RACK, THAT'S ALL,
JUST ONE LITTLE SPICE RACK, AND PERHAPS FOR MY THROAT NOT TO FEEL LIKE
IT'S BEEN PUT INTO A MEAT DEHYDRATOR, AND MAYBE A NON-GREASY FORM OF
CHAPSTICK!! THAT'S ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE!! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE SO
DIFFICULT ABOUT THAT?!?!?!?!?!
THE WRATH OF THE SHAFT IS BEHIND YOU!! BETTER NOT TURN AROUND!! SHAFT!!
SHAFT!! SHAAAAAFT!!! THE GREEN WEASELS ARE GOING TO DETREAD YOUR
OVERSIZED TIRES!! YOUR CARS WILL ALL BE KEYED, YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS WILL
ALL BE EMPTIED, YOUR COMPUTERS WILL ALL BE INFECTED WITH A VIRUS THAT
TURNS YOUR FILES INTO MALARIAL MISQUITOES!! YOUR NIPPLES WILL BE FED TO
THE MONKEY!! YOUR TOES WILL BE MARINATED IN MOJO!! YOU WILL BE FORCED TO
SWALLOW A LLAMA AND A QUART OF MERCURY!! YOU WILL BE DRAGGED BY YOUR
INTESTINES THROUGH VATS OF HYPODERMIC NEEDLES AND CLABBERED MILK, WHILE
MICE MUNCH ON YOUR COLLARBONE AND ANKLES, TO BE FINALLY TOSSED INTO A
TAPIOCA PUDDING AND WASABI SOUP FILLED WITH VORACIOUS MANATEES, WHERE YOU
WILL BE BOILED FOR FIVE DAYS AND THEN MUTILATED AND PIECES OF YOU WILL BE
TACKED ALL OVER THE CEILING, AND THEN I'M GOING TO STARE UP AT YOU AND
LAUGH REALLY REALLY LOUDLY AND MANIACALLY AND TELL OTHER PEOPLE LEWD LIES
ABOUT THE SEXUAL HABITS OF YOUR FAMILIES!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE DOOMED!!!! YOU ARE ALL DOOOOOMED!!!!! I WILL SEE TO IT!! I WILL
FLAY AND TORTURE AND TENDERIZE YOUR SORRY ASSES WITH A BARCALOUNGER!!!!
YOU WILL BE DRIED AND GROUND INTO A POWDER!!!! YOU WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE
AN INTERNSHIP AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, or I'll RANT AT YOU a SECOND TIME!!
(puff puff puff)
(walks away, muttering angrily)
Zzzzzzippp...
Back to the top.
Ugh Singalong!
From: oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org (Zzzzzzippp...)
Newsgroups: git.talk.social
Subject: Ugh Singalong!!
Date: 2 Jan 1999 15:28:15 -0500
Lady Galadriel [elflady@angband.org] blatt:
:
:Ugh. Feel sick. Bleah. Bleah. Bleah.
OKAY, EVERYONE!! We all know we're all sick (except George and some other
slackers maybe) so why not be happy about it, eh?
starts to sing I'd like to give the world a cold
And watch its head fill up
Or tonsillitis, laryngitis
And drink food from a cup...
EVERYBODY NOW!
I'd like to give the world the flu
To watch its fever rise
And make green mucus and other goo
Issue from its eyes...
key escalation, everyone starts to wave hands and sway back and forth
I'd like to give the world some drugs
That make it go away
That also make them fall asleep
And see their dead Aunt Mae...
I'd like to give the world a pill
That makes it rotate slow
And then a huge world sized kleenex
And watch the darn thing blow...
Zzzzzzippp...
Back to the top.
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