Archives of The SHAFT


Welcome to the Archives of The SHAFT. Here you will find writings by some of The SHAFT's greatest prophets, oracles, and toadies. The collected sermons, scriptures, and holy spoutings are presented here with no particular order...enjoy and be enlightened.

The Archive




The Book of Cram, 6:42 - 11:5


Book of Cram, Chapter 6, verse 42.

(42)There was a land in that place called Atlanta, and the Shaft was to be there, in that land. (43)The Shaft was contructed of metal and ore, and within its bowels there was a demon. (44)And the multitudes fell on the land, and they were athletic, such were the multitudes. The multitudes ignored the Shaft, and the Shaft was angered.

VII
(1)The Shaft remained, in the land of Atlanta, and the multitudes dispersed. It was a time of darkness among bright light. (2)Then there was cold, and wind, and the dirt and plants froze under nature. The cold brought forth new multitudes, and among the multitudes were diciples. (3)The diciples had journied from far away places, for the Shaft had drawn them to it. (4)And the diciples saw the Shaft, and bestowed unto it a new meaning. The diciples praised the Shaft for its evil and paid homage to the demon of the Shaft, for this demon enchanted them with wicked sounds.

VIII
(1)The day came when all the diciples of the Shaft were blessed by the demon, and the demon revealed himself to them. (2)And the demon said unto the diciples, "For I am evil, go forth and make known who I am." (3)And the diciples carried forth the wicked word to the faint of heart. And the mortals who did not know the Shaft knew the Shaft, and the diciples were merry.

IX
(1)And upon that day did the diciples return to the Shaft. And they called forth the demon, and the demon willed it that Lunchbox would tell the tale. (2)And Lunchbox held his hands up on high saying, "Oh father, we have done as thou hath commanded. Give us your words that we may revel in the prophecy of your lair, Shaft." (3)And the demon was pleased, and he smiled unto his diciples, saying, "Thou hath done a great deed, and will be rewarded. Thou must proclaim my glory to those who do not yet know the shaft. You will create a website, and upon this website will you create graven and infringing images. You will scribe to newsgroups, and inside these newsgroups will you spread the word of our religion. Go forth, my children, and I will watch over you." (4)And the diciples went forth, and created a website, and wrote in the newsgroups, for the demon of Shaft had commanded it. And those who still did not know the Shaft knew the Shaft, and the demon saw that this was good.

X
(1)And the day came when Lunchbox went to the demon and said, "I, Lunchbox, and coming to you, demon, to say, how do we show the unfaithful that you are righteous in your word?" (2)And the demon frowned, and emerged from Shaft. Upon Lunchbox did he lay a heavy hand, and Lunchbox knew that this was bad. And the demon spoke, saying, "Thou art an insolent servant. Only the most foolish of mortals would proclaim their intent to display the truth of the Shaft. For I am he who will make Shaft's presense known. Know this, that you may know it." (3)And Lunchbox rose, and was overcome with anxiety, and the demon saw that this was good. To the rest of the diciples did the demon give the thing called anxiety, and the demon saw that this was good.

XI
(1)And the demon played his music, and saw that his music was heard by all. The demon said, "Now shall I make known the presense of the Shaft," and upon the mortals, and the diciples, and the weak, and the strong, and the busy, and the lazy, and the unfaithful did the demon bestow stress, for the demon knew that stress was the root of all anxiety. (2)And the demon cast a wicked spell, and the music of the Shaft was enchanted. The demon saw that this was good, and summoned his diciples. (3)And the diciples, weak with stress, praised the Shaft, and called the demon forth. (4)The demon came forth, and said unto his diciples, and the masses, "So let it be that my siren song will remind the mortals, and diciples, and the weak, and the strong, and the busy, and the lazy, and the unfaithful that they are to be cursed with stress. And let it be that stress will manifest itself in the scholar's number and letter, that you may know the power of the shaft. Thou hast heard my enchanted song. By this song will you know stress every hour of your lives, and be reminded of it." (5)And the masses became faithful, for they had seen the power of the Shaft. So it was that the masses proclaimed the glory of the Shaft, and it was so that only those who came to reside close to the Shaft would know stress. And the demon saw this, and the demon saw that it was good.

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The first appearance of Pizza


Solomon Peachy blurbed:

>Does CoTS need Pizza the Hut, supplier of all that is yummy?

>I've sort of been folowing the CoTS ever since marvin mentioned it a
>few months ago......

>Remember - Cannibalism is cool.

Who the BEEGEEZUS are YOU?

shake
shake
CHOMP!

You delurk and DEMAND a TITLE!!!!

...mouth starting to froth...

I CAN'T BELIEVE you people! I have got to make an example of you so that others will not be as presumptious. I call forth the power of The SHAFT to reign confusion in your mind whenever take a test or try to do problems. May your test scores DROP below your shoe size!

Ooo! Look ThunderCats is on!

Uhh. Where was I? ... May you have Senile Su, Minute-Man Moad, and Droolin' Rubin for all your classes henceforth! May you graduate on the day a comet strikes the EARTH!

MMMmmm my cooool pillow....

You shall suffer an eternity for all the gall and nerve you have shown today! All will remember you as the poor schmo who... *yawn* dared defy.... the something-or-another of The SHAFT's great purpose... and... and... you get the idea here people.... *my pillow*

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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Pizza's Saga, continued


Solomon Peachy blurbed:
Thart professed from high in a blinding state of rage:

>>Who the BEEGEEZUS are YOU?

>Pizza the Hut. I come from a place far, far way. Reports of my
>death have been greatly exaggerated.

NOT FOR LONG, FUZZBRAIN!

>>You delurk and DEMAND a TITLE!!!!
>>*mouth starting to froth*

>This wouldn't have happened if you didn't eat at Brittan. Woodruff
>made me nto the monstrosity I am today, and it isn't half as bad.
>*sigh*

Silly boy! Don't you know the High Council can only eat food prepared from its own private kitchen staff? Something laced with sugar and carbohydrates preferablly. Well, occasionally fruit. But certainly NEVER veggies. Ok, well, is rice a veggie? I don't include it really. Wait a sec.... oh yeah!

WE have no NEED for your substandard food that warps the minds of the automatons who continue to eat there! It has made you a diseased and wildly dillusional menace to the sanctity of our Cult.

YOU *SHALL* PAY FOR YOUR SINS NOW, GREASEMONKEY!

>> May your test scores DROP below your shoe size!

>Feeble threat! I have a shoe size (european) of 48. That's only
>slightly lower than the class average in Calc II last quarter (and
>higher than the final average!).

INSOLENCE!! He DARES talk back to The GRAND HIGH INQUIITOR!!!?!?!

>The SHAFT has already shown me its powers.

Oh REALLY? Then PREPARE TO UNDERSTAND *MY* POWERS!!!!!!!

I have had enough of you. I can only see this ending on way...

YOU, my young fool, are hereby sentenced to an endless lifetime of DRINKING ALBERT'S MILK!!! Never before have you known such endless torture and pain. You'll revulse at the *MERE* site of IT! Much less the PURE HORROR you will feel as you see this UNHOLY CONCOCTION entering your mouth and SLIDING DOWN your throat!

MTR! MTR! Drag him away! I want his body decrepit and his will broken by morning.

>A Sign! The SHAFT is punishing you! Never underestimate the power of
>the SHAFT!

I have *NEVER* underestimated the POWER of The SHAFT! You shall PAY for YOUR *LACK* of VISION!

>Cannibalism is Cool.

LOWLY DOG! I'LL *SWALLOW* YOUR SOUL!

-George [MAN I'M SOooo BAD! But I FEEL so GOOD!]

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SubGenius Style Rant by the High Priest


Thart invaded my screen to profess:
>Lunchbox blurbed:
>
>>Or kill "Bob".
>
>No, first you have to acknowledge "Bob" by sending money in. Then, understand
>"Bob" by sending in even more money. Then, love "Bob" after you've given all
>your money away.
>THEN, you get to kill "Bob."
>
>And you ARE "Bob"!

...Begin SubGenius Rant Mode...
You know, I was loading up my pipe with some 'frop' the other night when suddenly the luck planes shifted and I found myself sitting on the bridge of one of the rapidly approaching Xist space ships. Naturally, I offered to share my mystic herbal pipe with them and they naturally smoked it all and in their 'frop'-induced stupor, they began to tell me of the things which shall come to pass when X-Day arrives and all of the truly faithful, those of majestic Yeti descent, will be swept away on the pleasure ships while all of the pinks and Con dupes will perish in the blazing glory of their death rays. And then the Xists told me how all of this relates to the Cult of The SHAFT and they marveled and chuckled at my conversion of an entire campus of pinks and Con dupes into a mindless bunch of Bobbies. And then they shot me. But my friends, my friends, it was a glorious bullet of Slack which splattered my Yeti brains across the wall of that space ship and when that Slack crept through my frontal lobe, so close to my third nostril I could have snorted it out of existence, I saw Bob! And he handed to me 13013 business cards and 13013 catalogs and told me to go forth and sell like there would be no July 6, 1998...which there won't. And he put my brains in his pipe and he had a good smoke with the Xists while they made jokes about JHVH-1. And when I woke up this morning, there was a fine haze of 'frop' smoke in my room and a pile of business cards under my pillow.
...End SGRM...

Rob [Put that in your pipe and smoke it]
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CoTS, ZoTS, and SNoTS


Last night as I stood near the stage of the Fox and almost but not quite in the orchestra pit, singing "Blanziflor et Helena" as loud as I could, The SHAFT spoke to me. I was quite woozy from lack of oxygen and my brain nearly shut down as I struggled to hit that high B, but when I felt the All-Powerful Presence of The SHAFT rush through my teeth, I became completely alert and hypersensitive to the noise of the dancers' shoes as they scraped across the stage. Anyway, The SHAFT made clear to me the solutions to several great mysteries and gave me greater insights into the proper doctrines of the Cult of The SHAFT.

First, The SHAFT disclosed to me the true shape of the Earth. Even though it goes against everything I've learned as an AE, I now know that the Earth is flat. And I'm sure that if all of you loyal ZoTS search deep in your hearts, you'll find that you've known and believe this all along. Not only is the earth flat, but The SHAFT lies at its center. I encourage all of you to visit http://www.flat-earth.org to read up on our new official CoTS doctrine.

Immediately after revealing the shape of the Earth, and before I could catch a decent breath, The SHAFT spoke to me of other religions which It believes are worthy of our attention. Specifically, It spoke to me of The Church of the SubGenius and their leader, J.R. "BoB" Dobbs. It seems that "BoB" is the one who sold Georgia Tech our current physical incarnation of The SHAFT...for over 10,000% of MSRP. Not only that, but he got Tech to pay extra for the Soft-Serve Sculputre. Praise "BoB"! Knowing that our Cult has some roots in the SubGenius traditions, I would encourage everyone who can to attend the SubGenius Devival taking place Saturday night at 10:00 at CRC (formerly the Wreck Room). The Reverend Ivan Stang (founder of the Church) will be there. Also, you should all visit the SubGenius website at http://www.subgenius.com and TAKE NOTES!

As for the SNoTS, well this is our new official name for heretics like Cronin who refuse to believe. Smallminded Nonbelievers of The SHAFT. Enjoy your new title. ;)

Rob [High Priest of The SHAFT]
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The Oracle of Destruction's first rant


J.D. Forinash wrote:
>
> Enh, she could probably handle the back of a Voltswagon... just switch
> her name to Zzzzzzzzaaap!, at which point, it wouldn't be so shocking to
> her.

That's it.

*throws the gloves to the ground*

I... HAVE HAD... ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!

YOU HAVE PROFANED THE HOLY NAME OF THE ORACLE OF DESTRUCTION!! YOU HAVE TAKEN THE MOST SACRED ZZZZZZIPPP... AND USED IT FOR YOUR OWN PROFANE AND LITTLE NASTY PURPOSES!! YOU HAVE DONE THE UNUTTERABLE!! OR, AT LEAST, THE UTTERABLE BUT NOT VERY NICE!! FIE UPON YOU!! FIE!!!! FIE!!!!!!

YOU WILL HAVE LARGE AND EXTREMELY SOUR PICKLES THRUST INTO VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PLACES LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGON FOR ETERNITY PLUS 1!! YOUR FLESH WILL BE TORN LIKE PAGES FROM A LOOSE-LEAF NOTEBOOK, BY THE TEETH OF SMALL GREEN WEASELS!! YOU WILL VENTURE INTO THE LAND OF TOOTHACHE AND HAPPY SMASH DESTRUCTION, AND *YOU* *WILL* *BE* *NO* *MORE*!!!! YOU WILL BE RIPPED INTO THIN STRIPS AND MADE INTO PAPER MACHE PINATAS, AND HUNG FROM THE CEILING OF A KMART FROM PINS IN YOUR BACK UNTIL YOU ARE PURCHASED FOR $10 BY WASP CHILDREN SO THAT THEY CAN BEAT YOU BLINDFOLDED WITH A TWO BY FOUR AT TIMMY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!! MUAH-HA-HA-HAAAAA-HA-HAAAA-HA-WA-WAHAAAA-HA-HA-WHEEEE!!!!

AND YOU WILL KNOW THAT THE ZZZZZZIPPP... IS NOT TO BE ABUSED BY THE LIKES OF INITIALIZED PERSONS LIKE YOURSELF!! THE ZZZZZZIPPP... IS TO BE USED ONLY WITH THE UTMOST RESPECT, AND YOU HAVE TO TURN AROUND THREE TIMES, FACE EAST, PAT YOUR TUMMY, AND SAY "PLEASE," TOO!!

AND ANOTHER THING. *I* *AM* *NOT* *GLOWING*!!!! I DO NOT SHINE, GLIMMER, GLITTER, LIGHT UP, SHIMMER, AND I DO _NOT_ GLOW UNDER A BLACKLIGHT, EITHER!! NOR DO I FLUTTER, SPUTTER, TWITTER, GOITER, OR ANY OTHER MANNER OF STUPID ADJECTIVES!! I *SMASH*, DO YOU _HEAR_ ME?!?!
*S*M*A*S*H*!!!!!!!!!

*pant pant pant*

AND I'M ALLOWED TO ADMIRE ALL OF THE HOLLYWOOD ACTORS I WANT TO, DOGGETT!! I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE!! CS IS BORING SMALL AND UNCOMFORTABLE HOLES IN MY BRAIN, THROUGH WHICH MY NERVE CELLS ARE BEING SQUEEZED LIKE CHEEZE-WIZ, AND THAT IS DARN UNPLEASANT!! I'M NOT ASKING MUCH!! I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS STUPID CLASS!! I JUST WANT MY DYNAMICS PROF TO SAY SOMETHING IN LECTURE WITHOUT SOUNDING AS THOUGHT HIS MOUTH IS FULL OF WADDED-UP PAPER TOWELS!! I WANT TO MOVE INTO FULMER, WHERE THEY HAVE BATHTUBS, AND I CAN SHAVE MY LEGS WITHOUT WRAPPING MY ANKLES AROUND MY NECK!! I WANT CARMINA TO BE OVER, SO I CAN STOP BURSTING BLOOD VESSELS OVER "BLA-A-A-ANZIFLOR ET HELENA"!! I WANT... I WANT... I WANT MICHAEL WHELAN'S ART BOOK, DANGIT!! AAAAAAAAAAACK!!!! YOU KNOW, I'D RATHER SEE THIS ON TV!! WHAT'S A WAAB?!?! GET AWAY, GOITER BOY!! DON'T SAY PIG F**KER IN FRONT OF JESUS!! I'M GETTING WOOPY AGAIN!! DID YA HEAR WHAT I SAID, SON?!?!
WOOOOOOOPYYYY!!!!!!!

*pant pant*

*pause*

*whimper*

*whimper*

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Secret Societies


I've been doing a bit of reading lately (gasp! shock!) and I've sort of uncovered a fascination with [insert ominous music here] Secret Societies.

Did you know that Yale has no less than 6 secret societies? Seven if you count the group that once broke into the meeting place of the most secret of the secret societies...Skull and Bones (of which George Bush is an alum). This set me to thinking...Tech really only has one Secret Society. And if you've read the CoTS pamphlet (which you probably haven't because I haven't been able to make it out to the Carnivore Club or Frisbee Golf since I created it) then you'll know that we in the CoTS know about the massive conspiracy that isn't being run by the folks in Tech's only Secret Society...ANAK. If that's not a run-on sentence, then I don't know what is. Anyway, I was having a talk with The SHAFT the other night and IT has decreed that ANAK could use a little competition. It is therefore with great pride that I announce that ANAK is no longer Tech's only Secret Society. One day, the CoTS will be right up there with the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, and the Freemasons.

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CoTS acknowledges period of enlightenment


Yes, The CoTS has been under a Renaissance of sorts lately.

First, the discovery of pamplets to spread the word of The SHAFT, then this whole gravity discovery that I'm not so sure about being a good thing, and I assure you we have our Trolls of Science and Progression are working steadily to learn more about this thing curiously called "Hope."

-George [I need to know more about this dangerous thing called "gravity"]

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The Dlearn story


Jonathan Wallace blurbed:

>I just try an dlearn from it. :)

You have a dlearn?!?!?

I had a roommate once that had one and boy! was it cool! Except his kinda got infected after a couple of months and the doctors couldn't figure out what to do with the thing, see? So he tried a bunch of stuff, you know, like witchdoctors, engineers, couple NASCAR drivers, and even an ant or two, but cha' know, nothing worked. So he kept walking around with this sick dlearn on his arm, and people started to get REPULSED by this thing. I mean it was nasty looking. So he started going to bars with it, and he'd get into fights, and he'd always win cause the dlearn would start drooling at the sight of blood, and he'd drool on his opponents and they'd be all grossed out and leave. So my roommate, like, he tried to get a job and well no one would employ him cause he had this big sick drooling dlearn on him. And after a while, the dlearn just wouldn't come off. Finally, he got desparate. I'm talking eyes-of-a-pirate-in-the-Caribbean kinda desparate. So he went to Guatemala to visit a faith healer, a world famous shamen kinda guy. So there he is in the waiting room with all these shrunken heads and bones, and the faith healer comes out in the neon green polyester suit, real used car dealer look on 'em. And the faith healer goes, "Damn! That's one sick dlearn!" Now, I can't tell you what went on inside the examining room. My roommate is still to broke up about it. I mean psycho-trauma here folks. Won't eat a hamburger to this day.

So what happened to the dlearn you ask?

Well, I'm glad you asked. Well, the dlearn got removed. But, you see, the thing kept growing and it lost most of its hair. It won a talent show at age 7 or so, and gained national attention. So, couple years later, our beloved dlearn marries a sports newscaster, and has a couple kids, you know, real suburbia type crap. And the dlearn's all pissed off cause dlearns are natural talkers and this dlearn didn't think enough people were listening, so it took a tv station hostage until they granted it it's own talk show with a contract for the next 3 millenia. And so you can see Kathy Lee Gifford every morning...

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Thart explains The SHAFT to Crazyman


Crazyman blurbed:

>What, did everyone get Shafted the first day or something? C'mon
>guys(and ladies), talk....

You get SHAFTed every day of your life. It's THAT simple. Which is why our Cult is so great. Learning this bit of wisdom now will save you hours of grief when you leave the confines of The SHAFT and enter its much larger realm, the real world.

From the pop quiz, to the lines of commuter cars that won't let you cross the street so you're late to class, to the pasta you spill all over your white shirt (more applicable to some than others :), or to the little conspiracies that somehow manage to never let your alarm go off,

The SHAFT is everywhere, The SHAFT is everything, The SHAFT is still the KING!

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Who's in the CoTS, part 1


BRAK Attack!!!! blurbed:
>Charles Rozier wrote:

>: but I can get nothing to enlighten me as to the forces of the Shaft.

>Reread the 'Court is now in session!' thread for more info on forces ;)

Hmm, what do you want to know?

We have a High Council... comprised of:

A High Priest... lazy guy. (I mean he plays goalie fer crying out loud!) Basically, he drinks... alot. Then , The SHAFT starts speaking to him. Well, SOMETHING starts speaking to him. :)

A GRAND HIGH INQUISITOR... me, the best guy for the coolest job on Earth! I keep things running. (You know that guy who's always behind the guy who does everything? That's me :) I also punish the less enlightened and the followers who stray from the flock.

An Inquisitional Audit... a sexy little number who watches over me and my doings. This is neccesary cause I'm prone to stupid stuff and ideas, so somebody has to straighten me out.

An Oracle of Destruction... basically she rants. And beats people, which is really my job, but we've never really divided up the turf. (Although, rumor has it, she's secretly usurping my influence over The High Priest, look fo developments on this on gts)

An All-Knowledgeable Apropos Alchemist... He remembers things so we don't have to, and stores knowledge for later use. AND he makes mean coffee. A must have for any cult. We could not be with out him. :)

Then, we have ZoTS or Zealots of The SHAFT.

I dunno what they do really. I only keep 'em in line. Basically, they run around praising The SHAFT when they are not playing hockey or wandering around The SHAFT late at night. Oh and I think they have classes too, but I don't think we've actually caught 'em in one.

Then, we have the KNoTs or Knights of The SHAFT.

They're supposed to help me do stuff, but really I leave 'em alone. CS majors need a certain degree of slack to work efficiently, so I'm sure they're doing SOMETHING constructive around here.

Then, we have the SNoTS or Antimembers

You do not want to be in this group. They are heretics who live outside of The SHAFT's realm. They will not subvert to conversion although many have tried. Some have retaliated with ants even! A fiesty bunch, they are.

What else, what else...

Uhh that's enough for the first lesson...

Try http://porthos.gt.ed.net/shaft/index.html for more details. I know it works so don't give me crap!

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Who's in the CoTS, part 2


The SHAFT, speaking through Charles Rozier, said:

>and I have also discovered the
>subtle plot beginning to unfold beneath the slacking eyes of the HPoTS.

You have discovered nothing. There is no subtle plot. The CoTS is not run by ANAK. (Here we go again)

>Curious, though, some of the members I do not seem to find anywhere
>around(that is, in these ngs.) Is this the result of the shifting of
>the Earth around the Sun, or is this something more sinister?

Well, owing to the fact that the Cult of The SHAFT is now spreading to other schools and alternate dimensions, it would be quite hard for you to meet everybody. Besides, the rest of the High Council won't let me out of my room any more because they say someone might take a shot at the High Priest. But I don't mind being shot at since I'm so damn good at stopping shots.

>It seems that there is more on the horizon than anybody has originally
>planned...

So it should... The plans of The SHAFT loom high on the horizon and fall hard on the uninitiated.

-R [High Priest of The SHAFT:LPTS]

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Who's in the CoTS, part 3: The GHIoTS puts his foot in his mouth


Lunchbox blurbed:

>Besides, the rest of the High Council won't let me
>out of my room any more because they say someone might take a shot at
>the High Priest.

*whisper* Actually, it's for the same reason Andy and Barney kept Otis in jail...

>But I don't mind being shot at since I'm so damn
>good at stopping shots.

Me: "(under breath) That's cause he's such a fat ass..."

High Priest: "What did you say?!?!"

Me: " I said the Stars play in Dallas."

High Priest: "Oh, they certainly do."

>So it should... The plans of The SHAFT loom high on the horizon and
>fall hard on the uninitiated.

Fall hard huh? Just like you after a drinking binge, sir? Did you remember to take your keys out of your pocket this time, sir?

-George [Ooo Boy, I'm in trouble now...]

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Who's in the CoTS, part 4: GHIoTS feels The SHAFT


The SHAFT, speaking through Thart, said:
>Lunchbox blurbed:

>>Besides, the rest of the High Council won't let me
>>out of my room any more because they say someone might take a shot at
>>the High Priest.
>
>*whisper* Actually, it's for the same reason Andy and Barney kept Otis in
>jail...

YOU INSUBORDINATE LITTLE FART! I SHALL NOW CALL DOWN THE FULL WRATH OF THE SHAFT UPON YOUR SORRY, BALDING, HEAD! YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD GRAY HAIRS BEFORE...

>>So it should... The plans of The SHAFT loom high on the horizon and
>>fall hard on the uninitiated.
>
>Fall hard huh? Just like you after a drinking binge, sir? Did you remember to
>take your keys out of your pocket this time, sir?

That was uncalled for.

>-George [Ooo Boy, I'm in trouble now...]

You don't know the half of it. As of this moment, the entire Inquisition is on double secret probation. I hereby suspend the powers of the Grand High Inquisitor. The Oracle of Destruction will handle all beatings until further notice. Any inquisitionary activities will be carried out by the KNoTS, under the guidance of the Priestess of the Inquisitional Audit until such time as the competency of the GHIoTS can be verified.

-R
High Priest puttin' da smack down on yo ass, biotch

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No New Beginnings



Ladies and gentlemen,
Faithful ZoTS and KnoTS,
Heathens and SNoTS,

Nothing has changed. The High Priest is in control. Watch more television. Watch American Gladiators. Oswald acted alone. The High Priest is in control. Watch Oprah. ANAK does not control the Cult of The SHAFT. The High Priest is in control.

Needless to say, I was quite surprised when I came home and noticed that my newsreader had been downloading and reading articles while I was away. I was even more surprised when I fired up Nutscrape to check the hockey scores and it opened right up to http://tappman.gt.ed.net/shafted.htm, a nifty little page. I sat in wonder and read Thart's declaration of war and general treatise of revolution. Then I laughed. I laughed long and hard. And I stumbled out into the living room of the Academy of Evil and I said: "You did all that for ME? I'm truly honored. You can be the Grand High Inquisitor again." And apparently that calmed him down enough to drop all plans of a major revolution. Thus, by my own generosity and good sense of humor, a great schism in the CoTS was narrowly avoided. So let's all welcome back our Grand High Inquisitor with a nice round of applause. Now let the Grand High Inquisitor round up all those who didn't applaud and flog them mercilessly with Thompson's monkey. It's nice to know that you all care enough about The SHAFT to keep the revolution quiet, but now that it's over and the old regime has been restored, it will be the job of the one who started the revolution to root out all those who followed him and punish them severely.

At this point, I feel I should mention that Thart cannot be blamed for starting a revolution. At the time, he was under the influence of an alien entity *cough*booze*cough* and couldn't think for himself. His rantings on tappman.gt.ed.net/shafted.htm will be considered a Holy Cult Document and should be studied accordingly. Besides which, while he was under the influence of The ANTIshaft, he had some pretty nifty revelations about one of the Prophet George P. Burdell's successors: The Prophet Clyde. In fact, I expect Thart to reveal the Gospel of Clyde in the very near future. And if he doesn't, he might lose his title *again*. That is all.

-R [HPoTS]

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Eat Up, Fellas...



And, now, lest the masses get restless...

I had a dynamics quiz yesterday morning that did not look like Greek. It looked like Spanish; in other words, I could read it and know sort of what it was supposed to mean in some parts, and get a general gist, but no specifics and no clarity.

My optics and diffeq quizzes are on Thursday.

The Chorale needs a definitive membership list, and that is nigh impossible because we don't have a list of the class members, and there's almost no way to keep track of the club members.

The Chorale also needs a directory, which invokes the same problems.

I am tired today. I am freaking out (just slightly); and I have a lot of decisions to make and things to do.

So, without further ado...

I'M SICK OF THIS!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!! I WANT OUT!! I WANNA GO TO WALLA-WALLA AND EAT FIGS AND TAKE MY MIND OFF OF THINGS FOR A WHILE!! I DON'T CARE IF THEY DON'T HAVE FIGS THERE!! I'M NOT INTERESTED IN REALITY RIGHT NOW, YOU GRUBBY LITTLE CRETIN!! I WANT A NEW DESK CALENDAR, SO I CAN SIT AND FLIP PAGES WHEN I GET BORED!! I WANT A SHOE-HORN; THE KIND WITH *T*E*E*T*H*!! BECAUSE I FREAKIN' KNOW THERE'S NO SUCH THING!!!!

YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, DIE, DIE, DY, DY, DY---N-A-M-I-X!! YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BE SWUNG BY YOUR BACKTEETH BY FRICTIONLESS PULLEYS, AND STRANGLED AND HUNG UP WITH MASSLESS CORDS!! PI-R-SQUARED ALL OVER YOUR MISERABLE BUTTS!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! *DO* *YOU* *SEE*?!?! *DO* *YOU* *SEE*?!?! THE SPIRIT OF THE SHAFT WILL DESCEND UPON ALL OF YOU AND GIVE YOU HUGE, BLOODY, DISGUSTING HANGNAILS!! THE SHAFTS MINIONS WILL COME WITH LOTS OF CHIVES AND SOUR CREAM AND FRY YOU TO DEATH IN GRASSHOPPER GUTS!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY GRASSHOPPERS WE WOULD HAVE TO EMPTY IN ORDER TO DO THAT?!?! THAT'S HOW SERIOUS THIS IS!!!! THE SHAFT WILL INSERT MONKEYS INTO YOUR PSYCHE, YOU TANTRIC DORKS!!!! IT WILL COMMIT INTERSTELLAR PERVERSIONS!! WHY?!?! BECAUSE IT CAN!! YOU GO TO HELL!! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!! BECAUSE I'M MR. HAT, AND YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE TURD!! I LOVE YOU ALL!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT!! BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT KIT-KAT BAR!! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME?!?! LOOK AT MY HAND!! FRUIT YOU!!!!

THERE ARE MAD GERBILS IN MY BRAIN, AND I WANT TO SPILL THEM ALL OVER THE NEWSGROUP!! WELL I WILL, WELL I WILL!! YOU WILL ALL BE TORTURED TO DIPSTICKINESS!! YOU WILL ALL BE GIVEN BUZZ CUTS AND OBNOXIOUS RED SNEAKERS TO WEAR!! AND IF YOU DON'T WEAR THEM, WE'LL COVER YOU IN CHOCOLATE SYRUP AND GIVE YOU TO THE THOMPSONITES!! YOU GOT THAT?!?! YOU WILL ALL BE LATHERED UP AND STUCK TO A GLASS WINDOW!! YOU WILL ALL BE CREAMED IN A BLENDER AND POURED OVER THE DATA!! YOU WILL ALL HAVE YOUR GUTS REARRANGED INTO FAR MORE AESTHETICALLY PLEASING CONFIGURATIONS BY ART STUDENTS!! AND YOU WILL HAVE CHUNKS RIPPED OUT OF YOUR HIPS, TO BE FED TO THE GREEN WEASELS!! YOU REMEMBER THE GREEN WEASELS, DON'T YOU?!?! YOU WILL ALL BE SQUASHED BENEATH MEDIUM-SIZED WALRUSES!! DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'LL GET THE WALRUSES, I KNOW A PLACE!! GET THESE RAINBOWS OFF MY LEGS!! YOU WILL ALL PAY HOMAGE TO SHAFTSEY, OR HE'LL DESCEND IN ALL SPIKINESS AND YOU WILL BE EATING THAT HP CALCULATOR, BUDDY!!!! YOU WILL ALL BE LOOPY, WOOPY, WOOGY, WOOZY, AND WIRED!! YOU WILL ALL HAVE 8AM CLASSES FOR THE REST OF YOUR ACADEMIC CAREER!! YOU WILL ALL HAVE VERY NASTY USED HAIRBRUSHES SHOVED INTO YOUR EARS!! YOU WILL ALL BE SPRAYED WITH LARD AND SNACKED UPON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pant pant pant pant pant*

YOU WILL... YOU'LL... YOU'LL BE... JUMPED ON BY PEOPLE WHO LIKE JUMPING ON PEOPLE!! YOU'LL... UM... YOU'LL BE GIVEN REFRIDGERATOR MAGNETS FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

*pant pant pant*

*whipes foam off mouth*

Otay, I better... *tee-hee* that tickles... sleep is good, food is good, diffeq in the garbage is good... mmmm, coconut...

*sniff*

*whimper*

de-whooooooieeeeee...


Zzzzzzippples...

Back to the top.

The Gospel of Clyde



First, it's good to be back folks!
but now for more sinister dealings...

It has come time to expose the one of the greatest secrets of The SHAFT.

One of the original prophets, Clyde Robbins permanently left his mark upon our campus. But what has been hidden, is his secret work for The SHAFT.

Yes, Clyde was one of the first to follow The SHAFT's ways and teachings. Through his work, The SHAFT increased its hold over Georgia Tech and paved way for the incarnation of The SHAFT by the Stoopid Center.

When The SHAFT first made its presence felt way back when, The SHAFT needed to keep its presence hidden from the students. The SHAFT cleverly hide itself in Tech Tower. Quickly, it made its presence known by striking out at thousands of students. This presented a problem because The SHAFT did not understand subtlety and the body count of SHAFT victims raised to an enormous high. Reeling from its error, The SHAFT quickly subverted the mind one, Clyde Robbins. The SHAFT instructed Clyde to build humps in the roads throughout campus and to hide the bodies of its victims underneath them, so that the unsuspecting students would not discover its presence.

The Clyde bumps are The SHAFT's tombs!

Over time, The SHAFT became adept at hiding its presence, and exposing itself little by little so the students would gradually accept it over time. Some students stood out amongst the others, those that had discovered The SHAFT and became determined to end its existence on campus. Through bitter fights, The SHAFT vanquished these rebellious students and grew stronger after each battle. But, seeing how The SHAFT admires a good fight and likes to celebrate its victory, The SHAFT had Clyde bury each student in a special grave.

The Clyde walks are the cleverly disguised graves of The SHAFT's greatest conquests!

The Clyde walks also serve another purpose. Remember I said after each battle, The SHAFT grew stronger? Well, The SHAFT had the graves arranged to spiral in towards the Stoopid Center, so that finally in 1996, when The SHAFT grew strong enough and the students began to worship it outright, it moved down from Tech Tower and manifested itself in the Campanile.

Now, that we have explained how The SHAFT slowly took over Georgia Tech, we need to explain its continuing growth. The SHAFT is normally felt in small doses (now that The SHAFT has masteres the art of subtleness) and these small daily SHAFTs are represented by.... the Clyde chains.

Even long before the final manifestation of The SHAFT, these mini-shafts started to grow. The posts are small SHAFT's that grow and rise out of the ground. Each one representing a different way of shaft. The chains are the physical representation of how all shafts are bound together and that together, they form The Almighty SHAFT.

So when you run into a Clyde chain, you are not caught by The SHAFT, you are actually caught by two little shafts. And this determines which shafts will visit you in the next week.

See how it all binds together?

And that is The Gospel of Clyde.

Now, go and preach to the masses so that they might understand.

Back to the top.

Doctrine of The SHAFT



I was having a nice discussion today with the Grand High Inquisitor of The SHAFT and the Priestess of the Inquisitional Audit and we stumbled upon the fact that many of you ZoTS and KnoTS don't completely comprehend the belief system of your Cult. In order to make following The SHAFT (not to mention the Inquisition's job of destroying heretics and SNoTS) easier, I've decided to explain some of the Basic Truths of The SHAFT [BasToTs].

Truth #1:
The SHAFT is everywhere. You cannot escape its wrath. It doesn't matter how safe you think you are or how well constructed your defenses are. The SHAFT will find you and The SHAFT will make you believe, monkey-boy.

Truth #2:
The Earth is flat. Not only is the Earth flat, it has a pentagonal shape. At the edges of the Earth is a giant wall of ice which no man may ever hope to pass. At the center of the pentagon, the so-called sixth corner, stands The SHAFT, about which the Earth spins.

Truth #3:
There is no gravity. We are held to the Earth by the pseudo-magnetic force generated by the presence of the People on the Other Side of The SHAFT [PotOSoTS]. They live on the bottom side of the Earth and worship a very deep, narrow hole in the ground. They exist to balance out our presence on this side of the Earth and to keep it from flying off and spearing the sun on The SHAFT.

Truth #4:
The High Priest is always right. I don't think an explanation is necessary here. If you think differently, take it up with the Inquisition.

Truth #5:
Dogbert is the Anti-SHAFT. Yes, while we members of the Cult of The SHAFT are incredibly intelligent and attractive, much like the members of Dogbert's New Ruling[sic] Class, we must set aside our similarities and destroy them. You may ask how I know that Dogbert is the Anti-SHAFT. Well, if you'll just take the time to look, you'll notice that The SHAFT is very tall and pointy. Dogbert, on the other hand, is very short and round. And let's not forget that Dogbert has never mentioned The SHAFT in all his plans for world domination. If you're a member of Dogbert's New dRuling Class, you must quit or face the Inquisition and possible expulsion from the CoTS.

Truth #6:
The Cult of The SHAFT is a high-pressure organization. We prey on the weak. We tell you what to believe. We crush those who question our authority. We use high-pressure recruiting tactics and actively encourage all of our members to go out and recruit more suckers.

Truth #7:
Some members of the CoTS are just naturally superior to the rest of you average folks. If you have to ask whether you're just an average ZoTS or an UberZoTS, you probably don't even belong in the CoTS you whiney little maggot. Some of the UberZoTS you should respect, revere, and give money to are: BRAK, our Minister of Propoganda; Thompson, because she's just that cool; and Forinbash, the Megalithic Tree of Regimentation and leader of the KnoTS.

Truth #8:
The world will end on July 5th, 1998. While the entire world is hung over from massive 4th of July celebrations, the aliens from the Planet X {Xists} will show up and zap the Earth with their death rays. Those of us who know how to properly worship The SHAFT will be taken away on the Xist's pleasure ships while the rest of you sorry Pink Boys burn and writhe in agony. And don't think the SHAFTing will end just because you're dead. Noooo....you've got an eternity of wandering around the now-barren Earth with a can of Vaseline in your hand and BOHICA tattooed across your forehead, just hoping that next time you get The SHAFT it doesn't laugh at you and paint your ears blue like it did the last 9,999,998 times.

Truth #9:
The High Priest is always right. I think I might have mentioned this one already, but it's the most important one.

Truth #10:
ANAK, translated into German, and then into highschool French, reversed, and spoken quickly with a slight southern accent, is actually SHAFT. This is not a conspiracy. The High Priest is in control, and I've got the Inquisition to prove it.

-R [Put that in your pipe and smoke it]

Back to the top.

Common Blahs -- RAND


From: oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org (Zzzzzzippp...)
Newsgroups: git.talk.social
Subject: Re: common blahs -- RANT
Date: 4 Jun 1998 16:09:48 GMT

Star (starlet@havoc.gtf.gatech.edu) blatt:
>Zzzzzzippp... (oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org) wrote:
>>
>> *loftily* I'll have you know that I have PLENTY of ESPECIALLY SIGNIFICANT
>> blahness planned for this week and next.
>
>Really, like what?

Like two quizzes, an essay, a big test, a final Friday, and two finals Monday... and working on Friday night.

>> Who do you think we are? Peasantry or somepin'?
>
>Well, yes, actually. ;P

*pause*

*slowly lifts one eyebrow*

Ex-CUUUUUUSE me?

*slow crack of knuckles, followed by a low growl*

YOU ARE GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Xena war cry*

PEASANTRY, ARE WE?!?! FOOLS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, EH?!?! PREPARE TO BE RANTED UPON, PEON!! I DID NOT SLAVE AND STRIVE AND WORK AND RANT AND SQUEEZE THE CREATIVE JUICES FROM MY FINGERS FOR THE PAST YEAR TO ACHEIVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST POSTS IN THE CULT TO BE CALLED A PEASANT BY THE LIKES OF YOU, OH DISPLAC-ED ONE!! FIE UPON YOU!! FIE!!!!

YOUR EYES WILL BE RIPPED OUT BY PURPLE BATS!! YOU WILL BE CHARGRILLED IN A MOST DESPICABLE MANNER!! YOUR SKIN WILL BE LICKED OFF BY THE TONGUES OF TIGERS!! MUAHH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!! LEND ME YOUR EARS, AND I'LL MAKE THEM INTO PARTY FAVORS!!!!

YOU WILL BE DOUSED IN FOOT JUICE, AND SLATHERED IN TOE JAM!! I WILL LASSO PORCUPINES WITH YOUR UPPER INTESTINES, AND THEN SWING THEM AROUND MY HEAD LAUGHING LIKE THIS, "HAAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!" I WILL HAVE YOU PUMPED FULL OF TESTOSTERONE SO THAT YOU CAN GROW HAIR IN INTERESTING PLACES!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! I AM NOT SAYING THIS FOR MY OWN HEALTH!! I AM NOT JUST TALKING TO THE WALLS!! *I* *AM* *THE* *ORACLE* *OF* *DESTRUCTION*!!!!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! GLARG!!! WARG!!!!! I'M TALKING HERE!!!!

KILLER MICE WILL COME AND NIBBLE ON YOUR GREAT AUNT!! GUMDROPS WILL SPROUT FROM YOUR EYEBROWS!! NOT THE YUMMY RED KIND, THE NASTY MINTY GREEN ONES!! YOUR HAIR WILL BE TURNED INTO SILVER, AND I WILL SIC THE KIWI UPON YOU!! KIWI JUICE!! KIWI JUICE!! CELEBRATE THE ARTS!! CELEBRATE THE ARTS!! WATER!! WATER!!!!!!!

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, FLIRTY FINGERS?!?! *DO* *YOU* *SEE*?!?! *DO* *YOU* *SEE*?!?! SEA TO SHINING SEA!! AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

GIVE ZOTS AN INCH, AND THEY TAKE A FREAKING MILE!! NEVER AGAIN WILL THIS KIND OF INSURRECTION BE TOLERATED!! HEADS WILL NOW PROCEED TO ROLL!! UPHILL, EVEN, IF I SAY THAT'S HOW IT'S GOT TO BE!! MY BRAIN ROLLED UPHILL ONCE!! DAAAAAAAAAAH!! THE GREEN WEASELS ARE COMING!! THE GREEN WEASELS ARE COMING!! SPACEGHOST, I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!!

YOUR LIPS WILL BE SUCKED OFF BY LITTLE AMPHIBIOUS VACUUM ATTACHMENTS!! YOUR SKIN WILL BE PAPERED WITH CANDY WRAPPERS, AND YOU WILL CRINKLE UNTIL *DOOMSDAY*, PEON!! YOU LECHEROUS LITTLE SHRED OF SKIN!! BLEEEASRHGGG!! GLOOOBLOBB!! I WILL SCRUNCHY YOU TO DEATH!! CRAZED FRAT BOYS WILL COME CHARGING THROUGH YOUR WALLS, DRAMATICALLY DECREASING THE RESALE VALUE OF YOUR HOUSE!! YOU WILL BE SPELL-CHECKED AND JUSTIFIED... WITH A PAIR OF RED-HOT TWEEZERS!! YOUR ARMPITS WILL BE FROZEN AND BROKEN OFF!!!!

I HAVE SEEN YOUR FUTURE, AND IT IS SPELLED S-H-A-F-T!!!!! WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?!?! HELL IF WE KNOW!!!!!

I WILL DESTROOOOY YOOOOOOU, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG... WAIT A MINUTE, I LIKE HIS DOG!! FRANCINE'S A GOOD PUPPY!! DEATH, DESTRUCTION, CHAOS, AND BAD CHEESE!! YOU WILL EAT THE SCUMMY RIND OFF OF A DOG, PEON!! IT'S REALLY NOT SO BAD WITH SOME MUSTARD!! THE COLOR OF THE PEN, THAT I HOLD IN MY HAND, IS RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROYAL BLUE!!!!! YOU AIN'T BEEN BLUE, TILL YOU'VE HAD THAT MOOD, INDIGO!!!! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! WHAT'S A PIRATE'S FAVORITE LETTER?!?!?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

I'M TOO TIRED FOR THIS, DAMMIT!! FINALS ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER!! I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE MY FINALS SOME TENDER LOVIN' DOWN BY THE FIRE!!!! SOMEBODY *OTHER* THAN MYSELF, THAT IS!!

*deep breath*

*prepare for UBERrant*

YOU ARE NOW CURS-ED!!!!! DALMATIONS WILL DANGLE FROM YOUR DRESSES, AND MARINE MAMMALS WILL MORPH INTO YOUR MOUTH!! THE FLAMES OF HELL WILL COME AND BLOCK YOUR VIEW OF THE TELEVISION!! LITTLE APE MEN WILL COME AND SLAP YOUR CHEEKS WITH THE SKINS OF DEAD FISH!!! YOU WILL BE SHOT DEAD LIKE A PRAIRIE DOG IN YOUR HOLE!! HERE, DOGGIE DOGGIE!! YOU WILL BE BOILED AND DEBONED AND SERVED WITH RICE!! YOU WILL BE SENT TO JUPITER!! YOU WILL BE VICIOUSLY STAMPED UPON AND SENT TO ABU DHABI!! YOU WILL BE TOSSED INTO THE DRYER TO "FLUFF" FOR A FEW YEARS!! YOU WILL BE COVERED IN TORTILLAS!! YOU WILL BE BATHED IN CURDS!! AND ARABS, TOO!! YOUR JAW WILL BE RIPPED OFF AND THROWN AT THE WALL!!!! YOU WILL COME BACK TO TECH AND FAIL *ALL* OF YOUR CLASSES TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!!! YOU WILL BE TIED DOWN AND *NOT* *BEATEN* *AT* *ALL*!!!!!

*pant pant pant*

AND STUFF!!!!

OR SOMETHING!!!!

*T*H*I*N*G*E*Y*!!!!!!!

*pause*

YOU WILL BE FUMIGATED IN A LOOPING GAUSSIAN PLUME ALL OVER THE LOWER HALF OF LA UNTIL YOU POLLUTE THE AIR OF THE SURROUNDING AREAS AND START GIVING PEOPLE LUNG CANCER AND THEN THE EPA WILL HAVE TO REGULATE YOUR ASS!!!! TAKE THAT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR CAKE HOLE, YOU LOUSY LITTLE VIRUS!!!!!!!

*pant pant*

I WANNA WINNEBAGO!!! I WANT TO PASS THIS DANG ENVE CLASS!!! *I* *WANT* *SOME* *FREAKING* *RESPECT*!!!! THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE HERE, PEOPLE!!!

*pant pant pant*

*whimper*

*whine*


*snif snif*

Back to the top.

First Letter of Lunchbox to the Faithful



I
(1)Yea, truly I say greetings and blessings to you, my brothers and sisters in The SHAFT. (2)For long have I wandered in the wilderness and thirsty am I for that good stuff Thart mixes. You know the stuff, that wonderful green elixer. (3)But I digress. (4)In my wanderings I have seen that The SHAFT is present not only in your region, but all across the face of the Earth and even unto the deepest waters of the oceans and seas. And it frightens me greatly. (5)And I say unto you, inserting chapter and verse marks into a letter is a tiring and tedious task, (6)I wouldn't reccommend it. (7)For great is the strain on the fingers of he who writes the epistle. And great is the breath of he who spouts the truth. (8)And yea, though I make no sense, I continue to spout.

II
(1)For in the frozen wastes of the North, I have seen The SHAFT moving amongst the students. And I have seen IT's influence on the faces of the profs. (2)But fear not, for IT shall never depart from your hearts and minds, no matter how far you may roam from the academic ways. Or rather, fear greatly, for IT shall never depart from your hearts and minds, no matter how far you run. (3)Truly I say unto you, you are blessed in your misery, for it abounds greatly. (4)This damn connection is too slow. (5)Fuck it. (6)I'll do it later.

-Lunchbox

Back to the top.

Special Powers of the Female ZoT



Back to the top.

The OOD unleashes her fury on Pittha and Mitth



From: oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org (Zzzzzzippp...)
Newsgroups: git.talk.social
Subject: Re: just a girlRAAAAANT!!!!
Date: 13 Oct 1998 17:53:03 GMT

Miotch! blatt:
>
>Mitch(but it's done wonders for my and Pitha's relationthip...)

THAT'S IT!! THAT'S FREAKING IT!! NO MORE, I TELL YA, NO MORE!!

I'VE ONLY GOT TWO NERVES LEFT IN MY BRAIN, AND YOU'RE SQUEEZING THE BETTER ONE!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND MASH YOUR BRAIN INTO PASTE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! BLATT!! BLATT!!

I CALL UPON THE POWER OF THE SHAFT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE AND YOUR CHICK INCONTINENT!! A BUNCH OF TOUGH GUYS IN CARPET CLEANING UNIFORMS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND TIE YOUR LEGS INTO PRETZELS!! YOU WILL BE BASTED WITH REALLY CHEAP TEQUILA AND TUNA SAUCE OVER A NEUTRON STAR!! I'M GOING TO YANK YOUR SINUSES OUT OF YOUR EYE SOCKETS!! SO HELP ME, I WILL SCREW YOUR NOSE INTO A LIGHT FIXTURE AND SHOVE CIELING FAN BLADES INTO YOUR BUTT!!!! I'M GONNA TURN YOUR LIVER INTO A PATE!!!!!!

And as for YOU, Mr. Lisping Traipsing Little Pitha...

I'M ABOUT THIS CLOSE TO YANKING OUT THAT PRETTY YELLOW HAIR AND RAMMING IT UP YOUR 8-HOLE!! MAY THE SHAFT POUNCE UPON YOUR AUNT!! MAY YOUR LISPING LIPS BE SHOVED INTO A DOCUMENT SHREDDER AND YOUR TONGUE GLUED TO THE TITANIC!! YOU WILL FALL INTO VATS OF BEAR SNOT, HEATHEN!! YOU WILL BE SPONTANEOUSLY HIT FROM ABOVE BY BILLIONS OF TONS OF SUSHI!! *YOU* *ARE* *GOING* *TO* *DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE*!!!!!!!!

BOTH OF YOU WILL!!!!

I AM SEVERELY SLEEP DEPRIVED!! I HAVE TOO MANY CLASSES THIS QUARTER, AND I'M STARTING TO GET STRESSED OVER IT!! THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE NIGHT!! LIFE SUCKETH GREATLY, AND IT'S FREAKIN' HARD TO GET TO A COMPUTER IN THE RICH CLUSTER, AND NEW BRAS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE, AND THE BANK IS CLOSED EVERY OTHER FREAKING DAY, AND I JUST WANT A SPICE RACK, THAT'S ALL, JUST ONE LITTLE SPICE RACK, AND PERHAPS FOR MY THROAT NOT TO FEEL LIKE IT'S BEEN PUT INTO A MEAT DEHYDRATOR, AND MAYBE A NON-GREASY FORM OF CHAPSTICK!! THAT'S ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE!! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE SO DIFFICULT ABOUT THAT?!?!?!?!?!

THE WRATH OF THE SHAFT IS BEHIND YOU!! BETTER NOT TURN AROUND!! SHAFT!! SHAFT!! SHAAAAAFT!!! THE GREEN WEASELS ARE GOING TO DETREAD YOUR OVERSIZED TIRES!! YOUR CARS WILL ALL BE KEYED, YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS WILL ALL BE EMPTIED, YOUR COMPUTERS WILL ALL BE INFECTED WITH A VIRUS THAT TURNS YOUR FILES INTO MALARIAL MISQUITOES!! YOUR NIPPLES WILL BE FED TO THE MONKEY!! YOUR TOES WILL BE MARINATED IN MOJO!! YOU WILL BE FORCED TO SWALLOW A LLAMA AND A QUART OF MERCURY!! YOU WILL BE DRAGGED BY YOUR INTESTINES THROUGH VATS OF HYPODERMIC NEEDLES AND CLABBERED MILK, WHILE MICE MUNCH ON YOUR COLLARBONE AND ANKLES, TO BE FINALLY TOSSED INTO A TAPIOCA PUDDING AND WASABI SOUP FILLED WITH VORACIOUS MANATEES, WHERE YOU WILL BE BOILED FOR FIVE DAYS AND THEN MUTILATED AND PIECES OF YOU WILL BE TACKED ALL OVER THE CEILING, AND THEN I'M GOING TO STARE UP AT YOU AND LAUGH REALLY REALLY LOUDLY AND MANIACALLY AND TELL OTHER PEOPLE LEWD LIES ABOUT THE SEXUAL HABITS OF YOUR FAMILIES!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE DOOMED!!!! YOU ARE ALL DOOOOOMED!!!!! I WILL SEE TO IT!! I WILL FLAY AND TORTURE AND TENDERIZE YOUR SORRY ASSES WITH A BARCALOUNGER!!!! YOU WILL BE DRIED AND GROUND INTO A POWDER!!!! YOU WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE AN INTERNSHIP AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, or I'll RANT AT YOU a SECOND TIME!!

(puff puff puff)

(walks away, muttering angrily)


Zzzzzzippp...

Back to the top.

Ugh Singalong!



From: oracle@shaft.shaftnet.org (Zzzzzzippp...)
Newsgroups: git.talk.social
Subject: Ugh Singalong!!
Date: 2 Jan 1999 15:28:15 -0500

Lady Galadriel [elflady@angband.org] blatt:
:
:Ugh. Feel sick. Bleah. Bleah. Bleah.

OKAY, EVERYONE!! We all know we're all sick (except George and some other slackers maybe) so why not be happy about it, eh?

starts to sing I'd like to give the world a cold
And watch its head fill up
Or tonsillitis, laryngitis
And drink food from a cup...

EVERYBODY NOW!

I'd like to give the world the flu
To watch its fever rise
And make green mucus and other goo
Issue from its eyes...

key escalation, everyone starts to wave hands and sway back and forth

I'd like to give the world some drugs
That make it go away
That also make them fall asleep
And see their dead Aunt Mae...

I'd like to give the world a pill
That makes it rotate slow
And then a huge world sized kleenex
And watch the darn thing blow...


Zzzzzzippp...

Back to the top.